Don’t laugh — this is serious money!

Who denies that city guys are smart? Who says that the term city slickers is not correct? In recent years two stories of corruption have taught me that it is better for tribal politicians to spend some time in big cities for one reason — they will learn to be street smart and ,learn the first Commandment of Indian politics:.

Thou may steal but it is a sin to get caught.

Let me explain.

A few years ago a few Jharkhand politicians were caught with loads of money that they—unschooled in the ways of the city. guys deposited in nationalized banks. They were caught violating the first great Indian commandment in politics.

I had innocently assumed that all other bhola bhala politicians would have learnt a lesson. But yesterday I was proved wrong by this headline;

Koda man put Rs 640cr, all in cash, in Mumbai bank.

Can you believe this? Even a young kid in Bombay will tell you two things:

[1] Never put ill-gotten money in a nationalized bank.

[2] never use the term Bombay unless you wish to be attacked by goons.

My detective friend Alphonso says that many years ago there was a proposal to conduct training programmes for newly elected politicians on several topics. This proposal was mooted when a certain Tamilnadu politician publicly conducted an extravagant wedding of her adopted son at a cost of Rs 100 crores.

Politicians cutting across party lines met at a secret location to discuss the political fallout of this open display of what is really a piffle. The politicians organizing this meeting thought that only a handful may attend considering the bad blood between them in Parliament and Assemblies But to their surprise they found rare unanimity that was usually reserved for resolutions for a pay rise.

The meeting was then held in a big stadium and was telecast all over the country at meetings open only to politicians. The new netas were told that it was stupidity to stash cash in nationalized banks. However in the event that a politician is caught he/she was advised to follow these guidelines;

 Initially complain of stomach or chest pain and arrange to be admitted to an ICU.

 immediately call your favorite lawyer to say that you are not in a position to speak and are under close watch by a team of top doctors, [not to mention cops].

 Tell your supporters to come on TV and say that the whole thing is a saazish, a conspiracy by political opponents.

 If the amount you have defrauded is large - which it usually is if you are in politics for the right reasons –then make sure many top politicians share the loot.

 Maintain diaries containing names of other top people at state and central level.

 lie low till the next cricket match starts, Tell your family to conduct a pooja for the Indian team to win the match but tell your spouse to tell the media that the pooja is for your long life and good health.

 As soon as you are able to sit up, make sure that your party men round up a few thousands of your followers who should throng outside the hospital singing your praises. You should be taken to the balcony in a wheel chair and you should feebly put up a V sign. The media will call it a VICTORY SIGN even though you meant it as a VASOOL [Hindi word for income]. If you are a Tamil politician and are loath to use a Hindi word you can tell yourself that you meant VARUMBADI which means you many the same as vasool!

 Once the media shifts its attention to cricket you can be sure that even though some politicians will criticize you will be bailed out.

 The CBI will put up a weak case, the cops will do a ham handed inquiry, the courts will take up the case after 40 years. You may not live till judgment day but meanwhile you can lead a fine life and have your son or wife elected and continue the good work,

The tribal politicians demanded reservations of seats at this mass seminar which was not feasible due to technical reasons. Their demand was that they ought to be given seats immediately near the screen so that they could see the projected images before those at the rear — the upper caste guys - could see the same images.

When the demand was not conceded the tribal politicians refused to attend. That accounts for the blunders that Koda and his friends from Jharkand are making — like putting money in nationalized banks. Pity them.

I now hear from Aplhonso that a few top politicians will be holding special classes for tribal politicians. ‘After all we must work for the upliftment of tribals’ said one of them.,
K.R.RAVI.